7:5 Do not deprive one
another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting
and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of
your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a
commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has
his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.
8 But I say to the
unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9
but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to
marry than to burn with passion.
You may or may not be surprised to know how many couples
treat each other as a resource to be exploited and use sex as a bargaining
chip. Many say and feel they would never be a prostitute yet they treat their
marriage as a prostitution business. The only difference is they only have one
client. Some feel marriage should be 50/50. What they mean by that is that
everything is an exchange. I will do this if you do this. It is bad enough to
bargain over money or chores and responsibilities but it is really sick when
sex is used as a bargaining chip. I knew a husband who literally had to pay his
own wife for sex.
Now remember the situation in Corinth. Sex was misused and
abused and prostitution was beyond common. Now imagine a scenario where a
former prostitute becomes a Christian and marries a man who has also become a
Christian but uses to frequent prostitutes. How healthy is their view of sex?
Both see it as a commodity. Both see it as a means of self-gratification always
for his benefit.
It would be very easy, even natural for them to slip into a
pattern of married prostitution. She hates sex because it's just a job from
which she receives none of the Godly benefits that are part of healthy
wholesome sex. He loves the self-gratification but is not receiving the real
benefits either. So both are empty sexually. He's trying to seek fulfillment in
having more sex and she would rather not have sex at all. What happens?
Bargaining. She deprives him unless he does something for her. He resents
having to pay for he believed would be free when they got married and suddenly
life partners have become business partners of the toxic variety. What do you
think will happen when someone else comes along who is willing to gratify his
self-centered sexual desires for free?
Clearly such a scenario is not what God had in mind when He
designed us to be sexual beings.
Imagine for a moment if God loved us like we too often
"love" each other. imagine if the rising of the sun was dependent on
our faithfulness to God. imagine if the rain only came when God was satisfied that
we were "doing our part" in our relationship with Him. The Bible says
and reality confirms that God sends the sun to shine on the just and the unjust
and the rain falls on the good and the evil. Love, true love is a constant. It
never varies.
Now can you see why Paul is giving the counsel he is giving?
If sex is nothing but a means of self-gratification or a bargaining chip in a
game of exploitation it is far better to remain alone. You will not bring
happiness to yourself or anyone else by entering a relationship based on what
you can take. However if your desire for sex is out of control and you remain
single you will end up in an even worse mess. Clearly the real solution is to
be healed so that you are not a destructive mess.
This brings us to the heart of Paul’s counsel. When a couple
marries they must never be alone in that relationship if it is to be truly
successful. Paul says there is a time to spend apart but only if that time is
used for fasting and prayer. Here is the place of healing. Here is the place
where the One who loves truly without exploitation or conditions can begin to
show us what love really is. She does not want sex. She needs love but when she
withholds sex for a price she is destroying his love for her. He thinks he
wants sex but he feels just as empty afterwards because he needs love and
doesn't even know it. As long as he treats her as a means to gratify himself he
will never fill the emptiness that sex only gratified for a very short
time.
In such a toxic battle the very act that God designed to make
two people become one becomes the very battleground that will destroy them.
God is love and love is the sacrifice of self for the benefit
of another. Love keeps no records. Love is not a competition or an exchange.
Love is learned in the school of Christ. Love is learned through fasting and
prayer. Love is learned when Jesus is the center of our lives. Love is learned
when we stand at the cross screaming "Crucify Him!" only to hear
"Forgive them Father they know not what they do."
In our relationships we often know not what we do. We are
empty and broken and looking for another person to heal and fill us. How can
they when they are just as empty and broken? Jesus wants her and him to find
their healing in Him and then practice learning to love on each other.
If you find your marriage to be some kind of toxic exchange
that looks more like prostitution or a cold war than a mutually loving refuge
in the midst of a broken world you need Jesus. He will teach you the rest.
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